Sunday 18th April 2010

April 18, 2010

I just thought I would provide an update on the current progress and preparation for my journey.

Ok well, this is going to be a pretty short list of activities! I currently don’t really have anything planned right now, I don’t know my actual departing date, I’m not entirely sure how i’m getting there, but thats ok, as I’m not really sure where i’m going either. All I really have is this sense of purpose, a simple feeling that is driving me.

I’ve followed and trusted in many things throughout my life. The educational system, a career path, money, advice from peers, the government, news and media, doctors, etc etc, the list goes on and on and on. I put so much faith into systems controlled by others, yet in doing so I relinquished control of my own life.

Well now its time for change, it time to take control and accept responsibility, I believe the only true guidance to follow is that from yourself. Therefore I have no plans, I have no control, I have only myself to look to, follow and make decisions. There is no comfort blanket here, no one to blame, just the world and the way I interact with it.

And you know what? I’ve never felt more free in my entire life, what happens doesn’t really matter, I have no pre-conceptions of the future, just a feeling of freedom and a movement of energy in a positive direction. I would rather live a month like this than a lifetime like I did, freedom is simply the act of letting go of everything you thought you needed.

Peace & love
dx


Sickness of Society

April 7, 2010



Since being diagnosed in January with bi-polar disorder, I have been asking many questions. The doctors say I have a chemical imbalance in my brain resulting in a rapid shifting in mood, the way to stabilise this is to medicate, re-establishing the correct balance of chemicals thus allowing me to lead a normal life.

Ok so just a few questions?

If I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, then what causes the imbalance?
And what exactly is a normal life?

Working in IT for many years I learnt that if you only fix the manifestation of a problems you’re only delaying the invariable failure of the entire system, you need to fix the root cause of it.

Why where my moods changing so much, and why was it getting progressively worse? Was I unhappy / manic due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, or did I have a chemical imbalance in my brain due to me being unhappy / manic? To me this seemed like a pretty important question, yet no-one could provide an answer.

And just what what is a normal life?
No one knows what the the route cause of the chemical imbalance is, yet doctors seemed to know what a normal lifestyle is. Where did this model for a normal lifestyle come from? Who set the baseline? The only conclusion I can come to is that a normal lifestyle must allow me to function within the society that I live. A normal lifestyle for me then, would be based upon the principles of a capitalist social system with class divisions, inequality and a profit driven goals.

I’m used to looking at the bigger picture when dealing with technical problems, so why not do the same in this case. Is it possible that the society within which I live, is in its-self a sickness, and the bi-polar disorder being my manifestation of that sickness?

If this was the case then I could either remove the route cause (ie remove myself from the society) or remove the manifestation of the problem (ie remove the unhappiness and mental anxieties by changing my natural bodies chemicals).

Before I was diagnosed with bi-polar i had lived with it for many years, I didn’t understand my condition so didn’t feel as though I had any options. I simply decided to remove myself from society. This was through a number of suicide attempts (not the best idea i’ve had) however it was only through my constant thought of death and wanting to die that I finally found the strength to live. By accepting my death I was able to break free of the fear I had for life. I realised that I don’t need the TV, car, status, money, etc. I don’t need any of these things as none of them define who I really am.

Things can still get difficult for me at times, as breaking a routine of 34 years can be tough. This is why I made the decision to leave and travel, I am removing myself from society, but this time in a way that I am responsible for. People always ask me how I can do what I doing, to leave everything I have and own. The reason is pretty simple really, I just want to live, and die as a free human being, to follow what feels right in my heart, and to try and make just a small difference in this wold.

Peace & love

Dx