I’ve decided to share some moments from my life in the hope that by sharing it may help someone else.

Not too long ago I wrote some blog entries on facebook. I never posted them as I was simply keeping a mood diary. I had returned from Peru more peaceful than I had ever been in my life and then started at college studying photography, soon after starting the course I realised I wasn’t happy, and I started to relapse again. These are the entries I made during that time.

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Tuesday 05/01/2010
Dan Rivers 05 January

@00:27
Things are bad today
for me, nothing matters at all, i don’t want to be here. Not in this room, not in this town, not in the country not even on this planet. There is nothing I want from life, there is nothing that makes me happy. I am alone and I have always been alone.

I am going to try and write in this journal as much as possible, some sort of lasting memory, Even writing this is hard, I just don’t want to feel alone anymore.

@15:25
The down feeling are not as bad now, but i’ve had a lot of time to think. Im scared for what I have to do, i cant speak to anyone about this. People are going to call me a
coward, i don’t want to hurt my friends, but I cant live like this. I guess i’ve always known. Its hard to plan this when Im not down, I need to use simple logic and not get emotionally attached to what I need to do. 1 step at a time.

@23:03
Well i’m starting to feel normal again, I only managed to leave the house to get some food at 20:00. I finally turned my phone on. I spoke to my friend, I couldn’t help my emotions and broke down in tears. I had to hang up, I cant put my friends through this, its not fair on them or anyone.

I’ve slept so much, i’ve been sleeping since Monday lunchtime. Im going to go to the doctors tomorrow. Im so confused about what to do. This episode started days ago, and
i’m not even sure if its over yet. I try to hide it from my friends, most of the time I can and they don’t see it, but its so lonely.
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Wednesday 06/01/2010
Dan Rivers 06 January
@15:46
I went to the doctors
today, i’ve asked to be referred to a specialist at the priory who deals with bipolar disorder. My mood is completely different now, I feel fairly normal, with a certain level of peace. Its at these times that I think nothing is wrong with me, I feel stupid when I look at the other things I have written, its like it wasn’t me writing it, however I know it was and how real it felt at the time. When I read things back or see photos of me in one of my other states, I don’t recognise the writing or the person in the picture.

@18:48
Chatting to friends over facebook, I can feel my energy level’s rising and my thoughts getting faster. I need to slow my thoughts, breath, there is no rush. I need to keep my
peace.
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Thursday 07/01/2010
Dan Rivers07 January

@09:34
My mind was racing last night, I could hardly sleep, hundreds of thoughts and cant focus on any of them. I couldn’t even write my blog, i just wanted some peace. I still feel
ill, yet I know I need to exercise to try and remove some of this energy, arrrrrrrrrrrr i just want this to stop, I just want peace and calm in my life thats all, nothing more, just some internal peace for fuck sake.

@19:53
Well I went up to a friends today, we just sat about and he had a mix. I think he knew about the problems i’ve been having. Im trying to share with them, but I just don’t want to hurt them either. When I got back home my mind was all over the place again, its like a roller coaster in my mind, positive and negative thoughts jumping around. I finally started to look at my photos and art work again, my focus seems to be coming back. Another friend is going to come round tonight to watch a film. I’m so glad my friends arehere for me though. Im feeling pretty level right now, my thoughts are pretty stable, there is a little peace in my head again at last.

@21:52
How can I getup in the mornings when i have nothing I want out of life? I feel empty.

@23:46
I’ve just got into bed, i need to be up at 6 in the morning for college. My heart is racing, my thoughts are all over the place, constant chaos and energy, I can hear my heart thumping.
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Friday 08/01/2010
Dan Rivers08 January

@02:30
Still awake, not sure
if i’ve slept at all, don’t feel tired, i know a manic episode is on the way.

@02:40
My thoughts wont stop, I need to get these thoughts out so i can maybe sleep. The song Manic Depression keeps circling my head.

@06:36
Got out of bed at 6, was already awake, didn’t really sleep, it was like a half sleep, with images similar too dreaming but not quite. Thoughts of people trying to take me away, the emotions of fear, I could feel it deep inside of me. Every time I closed my eyes it was there. Just another day, just got to get through the chaos.
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Sunday 10/01/2010
Dan Rivers10 January

@10:02
Today i feel strange, irritable, I don’t know why, I was training again yesterday which took my mind off things. I feel as though I cant be bothered, there is no point doing things. I don’t know why I even get up in the mornings. Fuck fuck fuck, why is my head like this.
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Saturday 16/01/2010
Dan Rivers16 January

@ 01:14
I dont know where ive been the last few days, ive been in my head worrying about stuff. i need to let the world just happen and listen to my self.
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Tuesday 19/01/2010
Dan Rivers19 January

@ 23:16 I’ve been in bed for 3 days, I had a manic episode which lead to a night out. I finally left the house today to train for an hour. It didn’t really help. For 3 days all i’ve wanted to do is die. I cant speak to anyone about it as I really don’t want to hurt my friends. I hate living like this, I hate feeling like this all of the time.
I just don’t know how much more I can take. How can anything good come from this? I just feel so very alone and sad all of the time.

@14:30
Im still in bed, I cant lie like this anymore, i’ve had enough, you cant live without any purpose or wants in life. Hope is just an ideal, there is no hope. There is nothing worth living for, i’m not going to do this anymore.

@14:39
Things I need to
aquire:-
Plastic paint splash
sheet, probably x3
Duct Tape x 2
BBQ x2 large
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Thursday 21/01/2010
Dan Rivers21 January

@08:52
Today I go to the Priory clinic and get an assessment for bipolar disorder. I feel normal today, no high no low, just a normal day. I need to purchase a BBQ today, I have one but i don’t think one will be enough to fill the room. I’ve pretty much written my letter of good-by to people, it was very difficult, but I don’t want to do this while i’m down. I spent most of yesterday in tears thinking about the people who care about me. It doesn’t change anything though, I know Im selfish and a coward, Im responsible for my actions though, my choice.
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Now i’m stronger that I have every been, and wouldn’t change the past for anything, I feel thankful for the experience had, and the lessons learned. Every step in life is a step closer to our destination, just keep moving forward and never give up. Don’t be afraid to share how you feel because you are never alone.
peace & love
dx


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Finding myself

May 11, 2010

This is my first update in a while, i’ve been spending a lot of time with friends and people I love. I’ve been on quite a high recently, with the more than occasional manic session, but thankfully I’ve been able to control it before it got out of hand. (ok, for what I would call out of hand at least). The result has been a lot of energy with thousands of racing thoughts and ideas. The frustrating part is trying to get some sort of organisation to these thoughts and feelings, they move so fast at times, it can all get a little too much. Its not been easy, but I’ve attempted to look at myself during this time, to interrogate my emotions, to challenge my preconceptions and ideas, and to learn and grow by understanding my behaviour.

Knowing that i’m leaving this place has really made me think about my life here. I always considered myself an outsider, and individual, a solitary soul, and a bit of a loner.
Looking back I know that was never the case, no one created those barriers except myself. By attaching myself to this belief system, I inadvertently created it as fact within my own life.

So why did I create this belief system in the first place? Thinking back to my childhood I think I can understand why this happened. I was angry, alone, scared, and simply afraid to share myself with others in the fear of getting hurt. It was a protective mechanism used by a scared boy in a grown up world. I didn’t know who I was because I had hidden myself away behind my emotional defences. I was afraid of loosing who I was, even though I had already lost that, in my quiet desperation to have some sort of definition to my life I created the life of an outsider, I simply created the person I became.

Its easier to blame where I was in my life on external events, but the truth is that no external force was ever responsible. Not circumstances, not fate, not events in my life, not people, not hardship, not loss. I created it because I was too afraid to be responsible for myself. I was too afraid to let go, I was too afraid to be responsible for my decisions, I was simply scared.

Now I can honestly say that the belief system I used to adhere to is no longer valid. It got me through very dark times when I was a child, but through my journey into adulthood it resulted in me sacrificing too much of myself. I’m now creating a new belief system. A new but very simply system, and that is that I can make a small difference in the world.

One thing I have learnt through out my life, is that if you really believe something enough then you can make it happen. I am now looking at life in a different way, i’m still that same boy on the inside, but this time I feel complete and although I have fears, I am willing to face each and everyone of them. Out of chaos can come order, from the dark and murky can come clarity.

Believing in oneself is probably one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learnt, we are all the student and teacher of self, we just need to fully believe it.

Peace & love always dx