Finding myself

May 11, 2010

This is my first update in a while, i’ve been spending a lot of time with friends and people I love. I’ve been on quite a high recently, with the more than occasional manic session, but thankfully I’ve been able to control it before it got out of hand. (ok, for what I would call out of hand at least). The result has been a lot of energy with thousands of racing thoughts and ideas. The frustrating part is trying to get some sort of organisation to these thoughts and feelings, they move so fast at times, it can all get a little too much. Its not been easy, but I’ve attempted to look at myself during this time, to interrogate my emotions, to challenge my preconceptions and ideas, and to learn and grow by understanding my behaviour.

Knowing that i’m leaving this place has really made me think about my life here. I always considered myself an outsider, and individual, a solitary soul, and a bit of a loner.
Looking back I know that was never the case, no one created those barriers except myself. By attaching myself to this belief system, I inadvertently created it as fact within my own life.

So why did I create this belief system in the first place? Thinking back to my childhood I think I can understand why this happened. I was angry, alone, scared, and simply afraid to share myself with others in the fear of getting hurt. It was a protective mechanism used by a scared boy in a grown up world. I didn’t know who I was because I had hidden myself away behind my emotional defences. I was afraid of loosing who I was, even though I had already lost that, in my quiet desperation to have some sort of definition to my life I created the life of an outsider, I simply created the person I became.

Its easier to blame where I was in my life on external events, but the truth is that no external force was ever responsible. Not circumstances, not fate, not events in my life, not people, not hardship, not loss. I created it because I was too afraid to be responsible for myself. I was too afraid to let go, I was too afraid to be responsible for my decisions, I was simply scared.

Now I can honestly say that the belief system I used to adhere to is no longer valid. It got me through very dark times when I was a child, but through my journey into adulthood it resulted in me sacrificing too much of myself. I’m now creating a new belief system. A new but very simply system, and that is that I can make a small difference in the world.

One thing I have learnt through out my life, is that if you really believe something enough then you can make it happen. I am now looking at life in a different way, i’m still that same boy on the inside, but this time I feel complete and although I have fears, I am willing to face each and everyone of them. Out of chaos can come order, from the dark and murky can come clarity.

Believing in oneself is probably one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learnt, we are all the student and teacher of self, we just need to fully believe it.

Peace & love always dx


2 Responses to “Finding myself”

  1. Kate said

    Just wanted to say that this is really amazing to read. To face up to the difficult things in life takes a lot of courage and you always feel so much more free once you do. It worked for me when dealing with my parents splitting up when I was younger and all the crap that went with it (a lot). It took 15 years to do and will be a continual path.Having to talk about and face up to painful things that I had found so difficult to deal with I just shut them away was hard. There is one person who is very close to us both who helped me do that and for that I will be eternally grateful. I am definately out the other side and life is so much easier now its all out in the open. It was so worth it in the end 🙂

    I think you should turn all your blogs into a book. I think lots of other people would benefit from reading them

    Look forward to seeing you at the weekend
    Kate 🙂

  2. Elke said

    Hi Dan,

    I feel I am reading some of my own story when I read your words. It’s nice to know we are not alone.

    Thank you so much for sharing.

    Take care

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